The Farce Awakens

Star Wars: The Force Awakens was released on Blu-Ray and DVD today. Naturally, I stopped by my local Target to pick up a copy for myself.

Immediately upon entering Target you are assured that THIS is the place to scratch your Star Wars itch. If a product even bears passing resemblance to something (anything!) in the Star Wars Universe it has received a Force Awakens treatment. For example, Target will happily sell you C3PO coffee creamer and BB8 oranges.

Nevermind that, after this particular orange has been removed from its clever packaging (BB8 is cute, round, and orange… just like an orange!) it’s just an ordinary piece of citrus fruit. Unless you plan to drag that netted bag around with you – proudly displaying your on-trend styles – what you’ve got is an everyday, run of the mill, coated with food-grade lac-resin based wax, naval orange. Just like all those poor schlubs who bought the unhip non-licensed fruit.

On that note I will segue into the real topic of today’s blog entry.

Target is currently offering two versions of the Force Awakens Blu-Ray.

The model on the left will set you back twenty dollars; while the option on the right sells for $25. The difference? The packaging.

In truth, in addition to this “exclusive collectible package” Target’s version of the Blu-Ray claims to have “Over twenty minutes of bonus content”… which was already available on the [free] Star Wars mobile phone app. If these interviews and making-of featurettes aren’t already all over YouTube – be patient – they will be (likely before you can rush home and watch/re-watch this summer’s biggest blockbuster with your ultra-chic BB8 orange at your side).

By all means, feel free to spend an extra $5 on 20 minutes of video you weren’t going to watch anyway. When comparing the price-per-minute seeing the entire movie opening day in IMAX 3D cost less but don’t let that stop you.

And I’m totally sure you had HUGE plans for that exclusive collectible package – like, you were going to have it framed (behind archival UV-resistant glass) so you could properly show it off. There’s no way you were going to shove that box to the back of your entertainment center or let it gather dust on a media tower. Who even has those anymore, anyway?! Um, 1992 called and it wants its nestable disc organizer back. No, you’re hip and forward thinking. You plan on downloading the movie to your networked media server and safely storing (ie: shoving in a box under the stairs) the physical disc as a back-up in the unlikely event your entertainment drive would fail.

Either way – let’s face it – you’re never looking at that Blu-Ray clamshell ever again.

And I take particular offense with Target’s desperate use of the word collectible. These Blu-Rays are just about as collectible as the glut of comic books released during mid-90s. When everyone owns something the perceived value falls – because you can obtain another one literally anywhere. If these discs were numbered and limited to a very small print run (like Disney’s Treasures DVD sets) that would be one thing, but they’re not; making Target’s “exclusive” package the equivalent of DC’s Death of Superman. Worthless.

Target’s not the only retailer offering “exclusive” versions of this highly anticipated Blu-Ray. Best Buy, Walmart, and Disney all have their own over-priced versions… but Target is the only retailer offering extra content on the disc (the aforementioned 20 minutes).

Please, don’t let the hype fool you into paying extra for worthless extras.

Star Wars: Battlefraud

Let’s cut right to the chase: my PS4 arrived last Saturday.

I had been saving up my pennies (I literally had a mason jar full of pocket change at one point) as well as Amazon Gift Cards I’d received as gifts in order to purchase my new toy. When it arrived I was neck deep in a basement bathroom project I’ve been working on but finally found time in the evening to set everything up.

The bundle I purchased came with a code to download Star Wars: Battlefront (and four other “classic” Star Wars titles). After the brief set-up I proceeded to download my new game… a staggering 25GB file. Because we still have [are stuck with] CenturyLink DSL as our ISP Saturday evening internet speeds tend to reside somewhere between elderly motorist and caffeinated sloth… so, I ended up going to bed and letting it download overnight. Early the next morning I was seated in front of my TV happily slaying rebels in beautiful HiDef. I even grinned in wide geekish delight when I realized the front of my PS4 controller would glow red when I was playing as Darth Vader.

That said, I’m somewhat torn on this game. It’s fun – and really beautifully detailed (especially Endor) – but what-the-actual-crap is going on with the micro transactions?! It is not an exaggeration to claim that 75% of this game is locked down until you’re willing to pay extra. In fact, the term “micro” transaction may be a bit of a stretch because the absolute minimum you’re going to pay is $15.

Electronic Arts will argue that the Season Pass is available for $50; allowing gamers to buy all current and future Expansion Packs right now and never pay again. First, that’s pretty dang presumptive. Sure, dropping a fifty up-front sounds like we’d all be saving $10… but that’s assuming everyone agrees that these unseen expansions are worth $15 each. Metal Gear Solid: Ground Zeros was hardly worth it’s full price.

Second… um, hold the bus… are we all okay with paying $110 for video games now? Is that the new normal?

No, actually it isn’t because (wait for it) it’ll actually cost you MORE than that. While this came as no surprise to the Xbox faithful it was a bit like a bucket of cold water to us PlayStation fans: if you want to play online you must have a PlayStation PLUS membership; which will cost you $45 per year.

For those not already doing the math in your head the disc costs $60. For that price we get some training missions and something I’ll refer to as “Arcade Mode” which allows you to fight off endless waves of Stormtroopers (or rebels, depending on which side you choose, but let’s be honest it’s still the same experience) across four different maps. FOUR.

If you want to play online where the vast majority of the gaming modes and maps are available – arguably the reason you bought the game – you’re in for another $45.

If you want to have access to the most amount of weapons, maps, skins, “emotes” (which is super lame), and anything else you don’t even realize you’re missing out on it’s another $50.

All totaled, that’s $155 for an online third-person shooter. Holy. Crap.

That seems excessive.

But, yeah, it’s beautiful and sounds great and what’s playable out of the box is totes fun.

Oh, and they guy who designed the Goazon Badlands map needs a new title like “Honorary Jedi Master” or something. Amazingly good level design!

Liberty and Immigration

Europe has been very accommodating and accepting of Syrian refugees. In 2014 alone the EU welcomed 283,532 refugees; the majority arriving from Syria. In light of recent events, as well as additional well-documented attacks, why would we want to emulate what the EU has done? Have events of the very recent past not been enough of a warning? As of yet, the left’s strongest argument for America accepting Syrian refugees has been to quote a passage engraved on the Statue of Liberty – a gift to the United States from the country most recently, and savagely, attacked.

Lady Liberty was constructed in France, shipped overseas in crates, and assembled on the already completed pedestal. The statue’s completion was marked by New York’s very first ticker-tape parade and a dedication ceremony presided over by President Grover Cleveland in 1886.

The poem in question – written by a foremother of the Zionist movement – was added 17 years later, in 1903.

The Statue of Liberty was originally conceived as a memorial to our independence not a symbol of immigration. However, it quickly became so due largely to immigrant ships passing by and heading toward Ellis Island. It was the addition of Emma Lazurus’ poem that cemented Miss Liberty’s role as unofficial greeter of incoming immigrants.

I find it terribly ironic how the left encourages [demands] that we all be progressive forward thinkers instead of “bitterly clinging to the past”… but then relies on a 112 year old sonnet, written by a staunch supporter and advocate of the Jewish state, to support their argument.

The poem is beautiful – presented as a simple distillation of common sense and provisions for fair dealing that none but the wicked and ignorant could oppose – but it is not the law.

Don’t misunderstand, I am not opposed to immigration. The liberty-loving are not defined by ethnicity… but neither is everyone equally liberty-loving as is often assumed by many Liberals today.

President Obama claims that States unwilling to accept the refugees his administration will be bringing into America “must be afraid of orphans and widows“. I’ve seen the video and images of these refugees and it’s largely young able-bodied men. I’m sorry, Mr. President, but that’s not widows and orphans – that’s an army.

Immigration policy, who we allow into our borders, ultimately defines the citizenry [ie: the electorate] of the nation, as well as the political culture and future trajectory of the nation.

You get the immigrants – and the nation – you ask for.

An Open Letter to Target

Regarding Target’s insistence on pressuring me to open a Target Red Card account.

Dear Target,

Each and every time I find myself in the check-out lane of any Target store I am asked if I want to open a Target Red Card. If your goal is to break the record for overwhelming and exasperating your customer base then you are, by all measures, doing a remarkable job.

First off, the very last thing Americans need is another line of credit – or another way to make paying for impulse items quicker and easier. It’s all too evident that Target management disagrees with this first point; opting instead to believe this is exactly what the American consumer needs.

It’s also very obvious that Target cashiers, already famous for their subtle body language that indicates “I wish I was anywhere else and I blame you for the fact that I’m here in the first place”, are growing weary of soullessly droning on about a product they clearly don’t believe in.

Their insistence on unceasingly asking me to sign up for your card puts them on par with that annoying Facebook notification that repeatedly tells me something ridiculous like “your friend Nick has a kangaroo in his pumpkin patch” – thinking that, by some small miracle, this will entice me to play their silly game.

I’m not playing.

Remind me: which retail chain had a major debacle over a credit card security breach just last year? It was right after Black Friday; but the retailer didn’t reveal the details of this damning issue until December 19. Somewhere north of 40 million credit card numbers were stolen; resulting in banks and credit unions reissuing more than 22 million cards (at an estimated cost of $200 million).

Oh, that’s right. It was Target.

Forgive me, but I’m sure you understand why I refuse to hand over my actual banking information and routing numbers to you just so you can avoid paying credit card service charges and fees. I guess I’m not feeling overly charitable.

Why don’t you accept ApplePay? The NFC technology already exists in your stores – all you need to do is accept Apple’s terms.

ApplePay ensures customer security by never actually handing over any sensitive information to the retailer. Apple’s payment app simply provides a randomized number that is later linked up to the customer’s account information at the bank. Not even the customer’s name is transferred to the retailer during the transaction. Everything is kept confidential between the customer and their bank of choice.

But Target doesn’t actually care about customer security – which is why Target has refused to accept ApplePay. Target is far more interested in obtaining all of the customer’s data (account information, name, address, spending habits, etc) which it can then sell for profit and/or use for pinpoint marketing strategies. How will Target send the customer circulars and coupons for items Target knows the customer will buy if Target can’t gain access to the customer’s personal information with each swipe of the credit/debit card?

No thank you, Target. I will not today, tomorrow, nor ever sign up for your Red Card. Stop asking.

From a former employee and frustrated shopper,

-Parker Monroe

P.S. While I’ve got your attention: who’s the person in charge of buying shoes for Target stores? The shoe purchasing agent. That guy. Fire him! Apparently he thinks “if if goes on the end of your leg it’s considered a shoe“. With that logic, the toilet paper stuck to the bottom of my shoe after emerging from your disgusting bathrooms could be marketed as a stylish summer flip-flop.

Target’s shoes are epically deplorable. They are wretched quality and dreadful to look at. They even smell cheap. Truly, there are people in third-world countries repurposing old tires as sandals that are better quality than the crap you’re selling.

Would it kill you to sell something that won’t fall apart after two months? You must be making one heckuva profit on these things because, at $29.99, I can’t imagine you paid more than about 12 cents for each pair.

Do all of your competitors have some sort of exclusive rights to middling quality foot wear? If not, get with the program!

Americans Have Ruined the Coffee Culture

grings_my_gears

You know what bothers me?

Ignorant people who think they’re smart.

If you lack understanding, legitimately lack it. Embrace your ill proficiency. Realize your limitations and do something to correct it (Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish).

It’s the people that are either too vacuous or too lazy to realize they’re misguided that bother me. This is the variety that will defend their lack of intelligence.

My favorite example of this occured a few years ago. I happened upon a gentleman mixing a packet of hot cocoa with coffee instead of water. Upon noticing me noticing him he looked at me and said (and I quote), “Makin’ a poor man’s cappuccino“.

Naturally, being the coffee snob that I am, I was quick to tell him that what he was making was actually a closer approximation to a mocha.

This person then stopped – he actually stopped what he was doing – looked at me with pity (how could I be so dumb) and replied, “No, it’s got coffee in it so that makes it a cappuccino“.

He was wrong… and willing to defend his wrongness rather than accept his error and possibly learn something in the process.

I smiled back and explained that a cappuccino doesn’t contain any chocolate. Ever. In fact, the only two ingredients in a cappuccino are espresso and milk (steamed and foamed). No chocolate, just equal parts espresso, milk, and foam. A mocha on the other hand contains chocolate, milk, and espresso.

I don’t know what kind of response I was expecting. Maybe I wanted his face to light up with the glow that can only be achieved when someone learns something new. Maybe I figured he’d find the facts mildly entertaining. Quite possibly I hoped for a firm handshake and a hearty thank-you for saving him from his personal combination of arrogance and complacency.

What I got was an apathetic shrug and a “whatever“…. which I figure roughly translated to “the facts have no bearing on what I will continue to call this drink. I’m wrong and I don’t care“.

‘murica.

As a side note, few people know that, despite the very Italian name, the cappuccino actually has German roots. Strange, but true. The Italian word ‘Cappuccino’ is not known in Italian writings until the 20th century… but the German-language ‘Kapuziner’ is mentioned as a coffee beverage in 18th century Germany and Austria. The beverage actually derives its name from the hooded robes worn by monks and nuns of the capuchin order. The drink’s very distinctive color was very similar to the red-brown robes worn in 17th-century Europe. While Francis of Assisi used white wool for his robes the capuchin brothers dyed theirs to differ from Franciscans and many of the other orders.

But I digress.

Truly, there are few things in life quite as glorious as that first sip of fresh coffee first thing in the morning. If you’re a stereotypical American that phrase may be slightly altered to “Few things in life are as glorious as that first 32 ounces of warm chocolate soy milk, caramel, whipped cream, chocolate sprinkles and barely a hint of coffee in the morning”… and this isn’t a new development. Unfortunately American’s have been ruining coffee for many years.

A little more history for you – the Americano literally did not exist until World War II. American troops stationed in Italy would order a cup of coffee and, after being served espresso, ask for it to be watered down. The baristas became used to this specific request and began mockingly referring to watered down espresso as Caffè Americano (coffee American-style).

If the Italians thought that was funny the newest iteration of this drink would leave them reeling. Instead of enjoying a simple two demitasse Americano we have people ordering 16oz triple-shot Americanos with 2 tablespoons of white chocolate and enough cream to choke a small calf. It’s no secret that Americans like to come up with overly intense and equally ridiculous names for the most banal and sophomoric of objects and so this beverage was dubbed the “White Lightning”.

I suggest a more appropriate name: the ‘muricano.

It should come as no surprise that most American coffee drinkers simply love dumping milk and every variety of sugar (Double Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Caramel Hazelnut Delight Frappuccino, anyone?) into their espresso-based coffee drinks. What does come as a bit of a shock is that those who drink the ‘muricano boldly claim it contains less than 90 calories!

Allow me to debunk that bit of fuzzy math for you.

1 ounce of espresso has a little less than 1 calorie.

A single shot of espresso is 1-1/2 ounces while, oddly enough, a double shot is 2-1/2 ounces.

A triple-shot of espresso is a double shot plus a single… so, that totals 4 ounces; equaling about 3 calories.

1 oz (2 pumps) of Ghirardelli White Chocolate Flavored Sauce is 110 calories.

2 tablespoons of half and half is another 40 calories.

Graciously (and to the surprise of many Americans) hot water contains no calories.

This bad boy now tips the scales at 153 calories… for a cup of coffee. Outrageous when compared to a more traditional 10 ounce Americano with one sugar and a spot of cream at 30 calories. You could drink five of those (50 ounces for those not quick enough on the calculator) and still not total the calories in one 16 ounce ‘muricano.

If it’s the sweetness and sheer volume you desire, try a 16oz cold press with a pump of caramel syrup and some cream (only 75 calories). Even a 12oz skim Café Cubano (cappuccino with raw sugar and cinnamon) comes in at less with only 94 calories.

It’s not about being accurate. It’s not about basing your claims on facts. It’s about getting what you want.

In the words of Miike Snow’s excellent 2009 song, Cult Logic, “I’ll believe it even if it’s not true“.

However, based on the financial stability of Starbucks, Caribou, Dunn Bros and nearly every other variety of American coffee shop with hordes of consumers eagerly lining up to consume their next Venti Soy Pumpkin Spice Latte… I might be prepared to accept the possibility that this maybe bothers me more than it should.

40 Months

I can’t understand the negativity surrounding this ride.

From one Disney Fan forum to another, across the entire Internet, comments similar to the one above are being made regarding the new Seven Dwarfs Mine Ride at Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom.

Let me take a moment to explain, in a nutshell, where this general negativity mostly stems from.

For starters Disneyland originally took up 80 acres, not including the parking lot. From the groundbreaking (July 21, 1954) to the Grand Opening (July 17, 1955) was less than a year. The park opened with 18 attractions and cost $17 million.

By comparison, the Seven Dwarfs Mine Train was officially announced January 18, 2011. At the conclusion of the recent three day press event it was revealed that the ride’s Grand Opening would be May 28, 2014. For those keeping count that’s just over 3 years and 4 months (40 months total) for a single attraction. A single attraction that is measured in square feet – not acreage – and has an as of yet unknown price tag; but is likely well within the seven-digit range.

As an aside, for many fans it really took Disney twenty years to replace the previous bona-fide E-Ticket attraction (20K Leagues, which was permanently closed in 1994) with a ride that most people are referring to as a D+ attraction (not quite good enough to be considered an E-Ticket).

I’m going to go ahead and assume that the people [trolls] making the type of comment I’ve paraphrased above have no real agenda other than adding a modicum of drama to their otherwise dull existence. Or they live in a bubble.

These same people will go on to argue that, “Disneyland didn’t have a single ride that was half as complex as Mine Train.

This is an ignorant comment because complexity is always based on any one individual’s point of perspective. To a kindergartner basic algebra is immeasurably complex while a high school student simply finds algebra challenging. Chances are pretty good that an accountant or a mechanical engineer would describe algebra as relatively simple.

I do suppose, compared to what we’re able to do today, those 54 year old attractions seem somewhat simplistic.

However, what people need to understand is that in 1955 those tasked with creating Disneyland had to build everything without computer-aided drafting programs, the internet, quick-set concrete, pneumatic powered tools, and a whole slew of other modern advancements we take for granted. On top of that, very few people on Walt’s pilot team knew anything about building theme parks – they were all animators, storytellers and special effects artists.

Now, Walt did originally plan on hiring professional architects… but after a few preliminary meetings he concluded that the people who could best design Disneyland were members of his own staff.

If you’re a cartoonist and your boss asks you to design a theme park from the ground up… I bet you’d think that was fairly complex. In fact, your first question might have been, “What’s a theme park?

Numerable books, articles, and essays have been written documenting the fact that Walt’s team had little to no experience in what they were being asked to accomplish. Here are just a few notable members of Walt’s original team:

Herb Ryman – Storyboard Illustrator, Art major.

Bill Cottrell – Animator, English and Journalism major.

Marc Davis – Animator, Fine Arts major.

Alice Davis – Former undergarment designer for Beverly Vogue & Lingerie.

Sam McKim – Child Actor and Movie Extra, Art Major.

Dick Irvine – Former 20th Century Fox Art Director, Art major.

Roger Broggie was a special effects artist with only vocational machine shop training. Because of his interest in 1/8 scale model trains he became the mechanical engineer responsible for building the Disneyland Railroad.

Ken Anderson was an animator and art director for 44 years… but he did study Architecture at the University of Washington. Knowing this, Walt put Ken in charge of designing Peter Pan’s Flight, Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, and Storybook Land (among others).

One of my absolute favorites is Joe Fowler – a former rear admiral in the US Navy (retired). Joe was hired while Walt was looking for someone with any working knowledge of paddle steamers. He ended up becoming the construction boss over the entire Disneyland project; then Joe stayed on as theme park general manager for 10 years.

Read that again. Slowly. Former US Navy Rear Admiral becomes the General Manager of the “Happiest Place on Earth” with zero theme park experience.

Bob Gurr was hired specifically to design the Autopia vehicles and was later retained by Disney because of how valuable his design and engineering skills were. Bob went on to design just about every single vehicle at Disneyland and Walt Disney World – including even the parking lot trams!

Some people will point to the fact that it was easier to build Disneyland because it was previously just an open field (orange grove, really) and that the Mine Ride needed to be built in the middle of the most popular theme park on earth!

For as impressive as building a brand new ride in the middle of an operating theme park is… it’s not like this was the first time. Disneyland 1959 comes to mind. Three major attractions built in the middle of an operating theme park. Construction began in the summer of 1958 and was finished by June 14, 1959. One of those three rides just happened to be the world’s very first tubular steel roller coaster; and it also happened to be in the shape of an immediately identifiable mountain.

Lastly, much of the negativity comes from the perceived notion that New Fantasyland was supposed to be Disney’s answer to Universal’s Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

Universal began construction in January 2008 and their Harry Potter themed land was open to the public June 18, 2010 (29 months later).

New Fantasyland was announced September 12, 2009 and construction permits were filed on February 22, 2010. The first major visible milestone wasn’t reached until April 2010 when the large faux tree (formerly located in Pooh’s Playful Spot) was moved in front of The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh dark ride.

From February 2010 to May 2014 is four years and three months (52 months total).

In December 2011, Universal Studios confirmed that they were working on a Wizarding World expansion. Construction walls went up around the former Jaws / Amity backlot area on January 3, 2012 and by summer the entire area had been flattened. Support construction could be witnessed as early as July 2012. The Diagon Alley expansion is scheduled to open mid-June, 2014.

Again, from demolition of existing infrastructure to opening day will have been about 29 months.

Keep in mind, during this time Universal also built out the Simpsons area and added the new Transformers and Despicable Me rides. Of those three, Transformers uses exciting new technology (blending 3D film with animatronics and state-of-the-art environmental effects), has received rave reviews, and certainly ranks among theme park guests as an “E-Ticket” attraction. It alone was built in 11 months.

At this point many of you must be saying to yourselves, “Disney had to have done something else during their 52 month construction timeline!

Yes, they did. They shortened the Country Bear Jamboree, built infrastructure for the billion-dollar NextGen initiatives, placated bored and irritated guests who were standing in 150 minute lines by adding some interactive queue elements, repainted every single building up-and-down Main Street USA (twice?), removed a beloved bakery and replaced it with a Starbucks, and (ending on a high-note) undid the Eisner-era travesty that was The Enchanted Tiki Room: Under New Management.

If you’d prefer I include the significant additions across the entire Florida property Disney also replaced “Honey I Shrunk the Audience” (a 16-year old attraction) with Captain E-O (a 24-year old attraction) and introduced the Wild Africa Trek $150 add-on experience at Animal Kingdom. Disney also updated the Star Tours film, ride technology, and queue.

For those wondering… THAT is where all the negativity is coming from. In short: Universal has built two major expansions and added various other attractions in the time it has taken Disney to build one.

The comparisons are certainly mounting and people are beginning to look less favorably on the Central-Florida juggernaut that Walt built.

Is Anything Free at Disney?

If the internet has taught us anything it’s that total ignorance of a subject is no obstacle to having an immediate opinion.

Two articles regarding so-called Freebies at Disney Parks were recently posted to a very popular Disney-Fan website. As an over-analytical person I took issue with the use of the word “free”, posted a comment, and suffered an instant backlash for my dissenting opinion.

I take no offense to these retaliations because I know that the counter blasts were less in defense of Disney than they were the offended trying to justify the price of their recent vacation in the Costliest Happiest Place on Earth.

I would like to take this opportunity, on my very own website, to flesh out my point of view a bit further. If you disagree with the assessments expressed in this blog entry, please, feel free to flame on in the comment section below!

Let me begin with the only two items from the aforementioned article that I would mostly count as free: the Sorcerers of the Magic Kingdom (the Magic Kingdom’s trading card game) and Celebration Buttons. The buttons truly are free to anyone celebrating a birthday, anniversary, bar mitzvah, first visit, or simply being at the parks for any reason other than just enjoying your Disney vacation. Buttons are given away on the honor system (Disney’s not checking anyone’s ID).

To play the trading card game all anyone has to do is locate the appropriate cast member where you’ll receive game instructions and a free packet of playing cards. If you enjoy the game you can purchase more cards (or trade the ones you have for potentially better cards). Sorcerers of the Magic Kingdom targets multiple fan bases (the collector, the completist, the gamer, the Disneyana, etc), it’s well made and it’s fun. Obviously a lot of time, energy, and capital went into its creation and implementation. The game is very popular – and probably would be even if that first set of cards did cost something.

I say those two “mostly count as free” because admission for a single day is $100. Believe me, at that price, you ARE paying for those paper cards and little metal buttons.

Others will argue, “Nobody pays $100 a day! Everyone I know gets a multi-day pass and that lowers the price to $50 or $60 per day”.

First of all, there are a significant number of people that purchase single-day tickets at $100 per person.

Second, if you’re buying a multi-day pass… please don’t assume that you’re catching a break by purchasing more guaranteed time on Disney’s property. In this case Disney is the party who’s truly benefiting from this deal. By adjusting their ticket price on a sliding scale they’ve just enticed you (and your wallet) to spend more time within the 47 square miles they control.

If you happen to belong in the group of 89% of guests who visit Walt Disney World from out-of-state I bet you booked your trip in advance. Well in advance, too… because you know if you wait Disney will just raise the price. You definitely gave Disney your final payment 3 months before stepping foot on their hallowed ground; because that’s what they demand. It’s also required that you make a down payment of at least $200 at the time of booking. Now Disney has placed your money in a bank where they’re earning interest off of your “discounted” tickets.

When you book your vacation a year in advance (and don’t tell me no one does that – just try to book a Disney cruise) your $200 down payment – compounded monthly at 0.95% interest – suddenly becomes a paltry $201.90. Big deal! Except, Disney isn’t getting only your money.

In 2012 Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom saw 17,536,000 visitors. If only a tenth of them booked their vacations 12 months in advance that’s still 1.7 million people. If each person comes from a family of five people that’s 340,000 down payments each year or about 28,300 each month (if that number broke out evenly across each subsiquent month).

28,300 families multiplied by $200… with another 28,300 families depositing their own down payments for each of the following eleven months… compounded at 0.95% monthly interest… is about $403,000 worth of interest on down payments alone ($1.5 Billion NextGen initiatives don’t pay for themselves, you know).

Now tell us all about what a great deal you got by booking your multi-day vacation in advance.

Typically, when faced with this sort of information, people resort to the argument, “Well, do you know how much I paid to go see Lion King on Broadway? And that’s only two hours of entertainment. Compared to that paying $100 for ten hours in a Disney theme park is a bargain!”

Trust me, I understand the “perceived value” sales strategy.

Make no mistake, comparing the price of a Disney Theme Park ticket [specifically] to a Broadway or Sporting Event ticket price was a carefully crafted Eisner-era dynamic marketing tactic that has been extremely successful. You don’t have to look very far to hear others joyfully repeating this comparison as proof (to themselves just as much as others) that they received value for their hard earned dollars.

Let me be clear: paying $150 to sit in a molded plastic seat at a 3-hour sporting event is absurd. Paying up to $300 for two hours of Broadway entertainment (in a slightly more comfortable seat) is equally ridiculous.

Comparing those over-inflated prices to something else and then calling the comparison a “value” is preposterous.

That’s like having $10,000 to spend on a car. You go to the car lot and the salesman shows you $20,000 vehicles. After a bit of time and negotiation you finally settle on a $14,000 car. You then proceed to tell everyone how you got a real bargain and saved yourself $6,000.

No… you overpaid by $4,000.

I also understand the basics of market demand. If companies raise the price higher than the public is willing to pay… people just stop paying. From all apparent evidence people are happily willing to part with their hard-earned cash and receive less and less each time. The Theme Park’s soaring attendance records is all the proof anyone needs.

Now let’s move on to some of the more ridiculous claims of “freebies” on Disney Property.

The Art Class at Hollywood Studios: an in-park attraction. Claiming that’s free is like saying, “Boy isn’t it wonderful how Disney doesn’t make you purchase a train ticket to ride the locomotive around the park?”

Of course, people will argue that it’s not the actual attraction that’s free (duh!). The value is in Disney allowing you to keep your drawing of their character when you leave. Well. Bless. Their. Hearts! Disney’s actually allowing my child to keep her own pencil drawing! It was Disney’s paper and pencil lead after all… and I suppose they could find a way to monetize that…

It might be worth mentioning at this point that you’re unable to obtain this “free” drawing your child has made without first paying admission to their park.

Tell you what… your little Mouseketeer can come to my house and draw three circles and a smile on a sheet of paper all day and I won’t charge you either.

How about the All You Can Drink 4 ounce cups of soda at Club Cool? It’s FREE (again, after you pay to get past the front gate). Yeah, that’s great! You know who else doesn’t have to pay for it?! Disney. I hope you’re not surprised to learn that Disney doesn’t even pay for the paper cups. In fact, they charge Coke a substantial lease on that little spot of prime real estate. In short, Coke pays for everything from the product to the electric bill. Why? For the same reason bread companies pay to have their product at eye level in the grocery store: product placement. Disney is one of the world’s most easily recognized brands. Epcot’s average yearly attendance alone is around 11 million. What would you be willing to pay to place your product in such a prominent location?

There’s also the free Chocolate Samples at the Ghirardelli shop in Downtown Disney – which happens to be something that every Ghirardelli in every mall in every city does. Please do not confuse this as an act of Disney’s benevolence. This is a sales tactic that eateries have employed since man began paying for food – and it works. Most analysts agree that handing out free samples is the best way to introduce your product, collect feedback, entice customers to buy, and get repeat business. At the very least, companies handing out free samples hope the recipient will now feel rewarded (appreciated even), think warm-fuzzy thoughts about this company, and then go out and tell other people about the product. Word of mouth is always the best form of advertising and handing out bite-sized morsels is a pretty inexpensive way to jump start this campaign.

What about Resort Tours? Yes, I can’t begin to describe how grateful I am Disney doesn’t charge me extra to follow them on an hour-long sales pitch sprinkled with “facts” surrounding the “historic” hotel/lodge/watering hole we happen to be “touring”. As a Disney geek I will admit that there are some interesting stories about the real-life locations that inspired the resort’s design and how Imagineers work in an authentic look and feel. But don’t be fooled – these tours are designed to do two things: 1). entice those not already staying to book a hotel room in the near future and 2). reassure those who’ve already paid 3 times more than they would have at the Marriott down the street that they made a wise purchase. That sounds an awful lot like a commercial to me.

There’s no cover-charge at Atlantic Dance Hall… and it would be a joke if Disney started demanding a cover charge at this deserted hole. When was the last time you stepped foot in there?

Resort Campfires, Movies and Sing-a-Longs. Really?! What about the elevator in your Resort; is that not an A-Ticket ride? How about the pool? They’re already gating them. Should we be relieved Disney’s not charging resort guests extra for use of the themed pool area?

Regarding ANY of the Resort specific offerings: at an average of $400 per night… trust me… you’re paying for these bonuses. In fact, I’d go so far to say if you’re not using these resort benefits you’re getting ripped off.

We’ll finish with my personal favorite… ice water. Have we really reached the point where we’re thankful that Disney is giving away free water? Hardees does this! Why are there no money-saving tips posted in various vacation forums advising travelers to stop into Sunoco to load up on all the water you can drink from their free water fountains? Because it’s ridiculous!

In fact, name me one major (or minor) company that charges people for a glass of tap water! Target, Chipotle, Costco, the place my wife gets her nails done, H&R Block. I can go to my BANK and get a drink of water with nothing being debited from my account. Disney offering free water is nothing new or special.

What’s really happening here is, due to the overwhelming number of up-charges expected during a typical Disney vacation we’ve reached the point where if Disney hands us something and doesn’t expect payment we stare back in disbelief. The customer then returns from whence they came in a daze, mouth agape, breathlessly telling their friends and family and internet chat room buddies all about it.

“I asked for directions and it was FREE! I was willing to pay – had my trusty MagicBand ready – and the Cast Member said there was NO CHARGE!”

Disney is in a very unique place and they’re taking full advantage of it. They raise their prices and attendance goes up. So they double-down and raise their prices again. Even more people show up. Who’s to stop them? If I were in their place I’d keep raising prices until the market slowed (people stopped showing up). That’s just smart business. Why work harder when you can work smarter?

Let’s say you sell widgets. You work hard, probably 60 or more hours a week, and you charge a fair price.

Your competitor also sells widgets. He makes just as much money as you do (sometimes more) and works only half as hard. HOW? Because he charges more.

“I can’t charge more!”, you claim, “I’ll lose business!”

Yeah, you might. But on the business that you keep you’ll be making more money and you won’t have to work as hard. Isn’t maximizing your profit the main idea? Why did you get into business in the first place; out of the goodness of your heart? No. You got into business to make money.

All I’m saying is… don’t fool yourself into believing free ice water is some sort of magical bonus or that Disney is benevolent for “giving away” tiny little cups of soda or samples of chocolate. Disney is a business. They’ve been around for a long time now and they’re VERY good at math.